When you become aware of an urge to watch porn ....

.... immediately shift the focus of your awareness onto other things. How and why?

Have you ever noticed how when you watch TV, you cease to focus on yourself and the things around you in the room? The seat of your concsiousness is in the TV - in the scene itself. It's as though nothing else exists and you are drawn in. We shift the seat of our consciousness away from ourselves and our immediate environment when we do that. That is all we have to do when subtle thoughts to watch porn drift into our consciousness. Shift the focus of our consciousness onto something else - something higher to raise our spirit- and the urge will disolve. However, the opposite is true: when we give the thought of the urge our attention we give it energy and when we do that, we manifest the thought of the urge into action.

I'll give other examples of shifting awareness. I wake at 4:45 am most mornings - I've done so fo many years - so I have a long day. I have breakfast by about 6:20 so by around 10:30-11am I'm usually getting hungry. Most days I eat lunch at my desk at around 11:15 - 11:30 I'm so hungy. The day before yesterday {Friday 10th] I was so busy working to meet a deadline, that I didn't eat until 3pm. I didn't notice that I was hungry and yet my body must have sent the usual signal to my brain to feed it. I was so focused on what I was doing that I didn't even notice the hunger pangs. On an extreme level, people are capable of doing the most extraordinary things, such as ignoring all danger, overcoming all fears, when they put all their conscious effort into it. Men and women have been badly wounded in war zones, or injured fighting a fire or in an accident yet have continued to help others - totally unaware of their own condition or injuries.So, we need to watch our thoughts [to avoid focusing on the thought of an urge] and shift the focus or our consciousness immediately onto to other things.Also be aware that unless we are promiscuous by nature, we are more likely to have those kinds of thoughts of urges when we've been and unoccupied, tired or when we are feelng low in spirits [due to anxiety, depression, anger, resentment etc].

So the things on which we should focus our attention are those which will raise our spirit. Meditation can do that; listening to calm, relaxing music can do that; thinking of a loved one and caring for others can do that; counting your blessings can do that; watching the natural world, reading about acts of personal courage, bravery and fortitude, kindness and compassion all do that; etc, etc. Notice all we have to do is shift our awareness onto the positive. That's one key out; the other key to freedom is to retain that positive outlook on life and aim to move it upward.

Strive to be happy

Affirmation #10 - Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Break Free - Express A Joy For Living

I believe there are several levels to our consciousness, to the person we perceive ourselves to be. At a deep level, at the core, soul - whatever you like to call it, is a knowing that our indulgence in porn is wrong / destructive for many reasons and I've listed a dozen or so in an earlier post. At another, subconscious level, ego if you like to call it that - we react constantly to what the world throws at us and that stirs our emotions. Consequently, we may become resentful, angry, frustrated, hurt, restless etc. The ego looks for a payoff or reward or compensation and that manifests as a thought - 'I want to feel good'. A memory is triggered of the most potent and / or convenient 'fix' we've experienced that has made us feel good. It could be shopping / spending, food, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, porn, sex, drugs etc.

If that's the chain of events, then isn't part of the solution to consciously find something more positive / uplifting as the source or sources [if more than one] of feeling good and to put all attention on that? Then, when we want a fix of 'feeling good', we go to that [those] source[s] only. Isn't another part of the solution to seek to calm our emotions and feel a sense of peace in the first place when we interact with the world? In short, shouldn't we try to experience a real joy for living?

If we are in a relationship, then shouldn't our joy be the love, sharing, caring and affection that is the heart of that relationship?

Shouldn't our joy be in things that touch our deeper level of consciousness - that raise the spirit if you like to call it that - in fun and laughter with freinds and family, in the simple beauty of the natural world that surrounds us, in stiring and peaceful words and music?

If I put the feel good factor of Internet porn into my subconscious in the first place, then I can reverse the process by setting up aversions to Internet porn by consciously considering the negative effects below as every day passes. I truely believe that is the way to break free from this self imprisonment; from this path of self destruction.

Every day now, I rededicate this effort to my loved ones, especially to my wife. I also rededicate it to the higher aspects from within myself, whom my ego ignored for so long.

A Few Of My Reasons For Breaking Free

I want to break free for many reasons… here are a few:

1. By secretly watching internet porn, I am deceiving my wife. Someone once said that looking at another with lust in their heart was tantamount to committing adultery.

2. That behaviour is self indulgent; it’s grossly selfish.

3. I feel as though I’m not in control when I do, as though it’s aimless.

4. It was becoming addictive, draining, potentially affecting my martial relationship and my work.

5. There is a deep sense from within myself that it’s wrong – I consciously feel that it’s desensitizing, dehumanising, appealing only to baser human instincts.

6. It feeds the ego with fantasies that aren’t representative of normal reality.

7. Both the watchers [of porn] and the watched lose their self respect and respect for each other. Their egos self serving [looking for a payoff, thrill, high] which is another thing entirely.

8. It’s escapism from other issues.8. The high that it brings isn’t long lasting and so will never satisfy.

9. People and corporations out there are making a lot of money out of other peoples’ weakness.

10. I feel good about myself when I leave all this [negative] stuff alone. I don’t just want to leave it alone, I want to leave it far behind to the point that it doesn’t exist.

11. I want to break free because I prefer freedom over [self-imposed] imprisonment and because I can break free - there is only myself [ego] to stop me.

Affirmation #9 - You Are Loved .... Don't Give Up [Click on the title to a video link to Gosh Groban's beautiful song]

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you.

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps youI...
I will break it for you


Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard

You are loved

Affirmation #8 - Amazing Grace ............................. [click for link to video by Nana Mouskouri singing Amazing Grace ]

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

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Below is a link to a variation on the theme of Amazing Grace - it's a wonderful song by Neil Diamond called 'Pretty Amazing Grace'.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=34116556

Affirmation #7 - If ....... Click on the title to a video recital of this inspiring poem.

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Radyard Kipling

Affirmation #6 - The Answer My Friend

How many roads must a man walk down,before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove fly,before she sleeps in the sand?
And how many times must a cannon ball fly,before they're forever banned?
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,the answer is blowing in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist,before it is washed to the sea?
How many years can some people exist,before they're allowed to be free?
And how many times can a man turn his head,and pretend that he just doesn't see?
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,the answer is blowing in the wind.

How many times must a man look up,before he sees the sky?
And how many ears must one man have,before he can hear people cry ?
And how many deaths will it take till we know,that too many people have died?
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,the answer is blowing in the wind.
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,the answer is blowing in the wind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With love and thanks to BD

Affirmation #5 - Aspiring

1. At all times, I aspire to give my full attention to my wife, recognizing and giving thanks for both her outer and inner beauty.

2. At all times, I aspire to see non porn images of glamorous women with a healthy respect for their outward beauty.

3. At all times, I aspire to remain calm, understanding and non-judgemental in situations where I previously believed people dissappointed me or events didn't go to plan.

4. At all times, I aspire to listen out for and pay attention to the small voice within me.

5. At all times, I aspire to elevate my spirit from where it is by doing 1,2, 3 and 4 and constantly giving thanks for the natural beauty of sights and sounds that will always surround me.

Affirmation #4 - Loathing and Mourning

1. Deception of loved ones and self.
2. Secrecy and selfishness.
3. Tiredness and irritability
4. Businesses and people who make money out of exploiting the weakness of others.

5. I loathe myself when I use the resources provided by 4 that brings about 1, 2 and 3.

6. I mourn the loss of truth.
7. I mourn the loss of my self respect.
8. I mourn the loss of the time I spent away from my loved ones in my persuit of my selfish desires.

9. I mourn the suppression of the spirit within me that cried for so long: 'enough'!

Is Internet Porn Corrosive And Potentially Dehumanizing?

In my opinion it is and on a number of different levels.

It's delivered discretely, directly to your computer. No furtive visits to stores for mags as in the old days.

Nothing coming through the postbox. Nothing physical to hide from an unsuspecting spouse. The sercret is safe as long as your not caught in the act.

It's available on tap to order 24/7 and that requires more secrecy and deception; it's not unheard of to be on a home computer from 9pm until almost 4am.

I was just interested in images of glamourous women yet realised the variety of categories on individual sites was overwelming, ranging from my soft porn glamour to the utterly depraved and dehumanizing. To me, it's a bit like a bottomless pit in one sense, with those hooked being dangled from a continous fishing line that runs top to bottom; the makers are at the bottom pulling the line down.

Years ago, most who read pornography didn't visit prostitutes or seek out others in order to engage in sex. Today, such activities are virtual with the likes of web cams and instant text messaging via computer. Today, people seem oblivious to the hazards of uploading movies of themselves [with or without a partner] engaging in whatever sexual fantacies they can think of.

Affirmation #3 - Knowing What I Have To Fight And How I Got Here Is Half The Battle

So what do I have to fight to win this battle? The impersonal 'what' to fight couldn't give a damn [see next post]. It will continue to be put on servers world-wide whether I access it or not.

No, it's not so much 'what' that needs to be overcome but 'who'.

I have to know and overcome myself; I have to be constantly alert to the triggers [non-porn glamour images and emotions] that I mentioned in my last post.

I have to constantly remind myself that I can and will overcome because I want to rise above these baser instincts; because I feel lousy on so many different levels when I give in.

Mind Over Matter - Watch Your Thoughts And Emotions

So I've come to realise that my thoughts will control my actions. Looking back I realise that when I 'fell off the wagon', I didn't just sit there and say to myself that it would be good to watch some porn. There was a trigger and it was usually either a glamorous image [non-porn] or it was an emotion.

The glamorous non-porn image may have been in a newspaper or some advertising or an ordinary TV show. Maybe it was the sight of some cleavage or long legs in a short dress. It would be enough to send a subliminal signal that would evoke memories and feelings of my youth. Having said that, it's never bothered me when I've been on vacation and I've been on the beach with topless women nearby. Odd that or maybe not as I don't take my computer with me on vacation.

The emotional triggers I discovered could be 'switched on' when my guard was down; for example, if I felt rejection after a heated argument with my wife, or if I felt anger or resentment from my work - I kidded myself that a spree of Internet porn was some kind of compensation.

So I know that I can be easilly influenced and I've got to be aware of the consequences all the time if I am to be beat this. It really is mind over matter.

Past Failures - Learning From Them

I said in my very first post that I've tried a number of ways to get myself off the hook of porn addiction that all seemed to fail.

I'd willingly throw away my home computer but I need it for my job.
I've tried putting filters on the system but I just end up bye-passing them.

Covenant Eyes looked interesting but I couldn't get anyone to be my covenant partner and my wife avoids all use of the computer. Not only that but she doesn't know about my addiction and I'm not going to jeopardise our relationship any more than I have done by my secretive use of Internet porn.

I did sign up to a 20 week Internet programme which gave me constant feedback from a mentor. That was a few years ago and I was free for almost a year. At the time I was quiet religious [a practicing Christian back then] and the course had that religious theme though it wasn't condemning.

Having said that, one scipture that I discovered for myself cut to the quick. It was that anyone who viewed another with lust in their heart was commmitting adultery as surely as any adulter. And that was spoken by the man himself. I've never forgotten it.

So how did I manage to go for so long without a fall? Answer, my mind wasn't on porn or glamorous images.

False Image Realisation

In my very first post, I said that the first images that initially sparked the feelings in me as a young boy back in the early 1960's were of scantilly clad women; later the images were in soft porn glamour magazines. Now, when I see how etxensive are the numbers of different categories on Internet websites these days, I just cringe.

Going back to the fishing hook analogy, the material that I first started to view when I was a teenager was baited on the line near the surface. As I decended, the material gradually changed from soft to hard . With it my senses were ever more numbed and something within seemed to say 'enough'.

What did that say to me about porn in general?
It said that it presents a false image.
It said that it can't be glamorous to put yourself in a position where total strangers are going to view your image to get a chemical high.
It said that both those who want their images to be viewed that way and the viewers themselves have no self respect.

I came to the realisation that I myself therefore had no self respect; I was just at a different level on the line in the depths of an addiction.

Goal #1 And Beyond - With Tracking Comments

My Goal - TO BE LIBERATED FROM INTERNET PORN - WEEK BY WEEK, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. TO NEVER LOOK BACK AND SAY: 'IF ONLY I'D HAD THE COURAGE'.

1st Goal: To purposefully make it through to the end of the week - Mon 10th August. I'll update this post with a response on that date and tell you my thoughts and feelings. I'll diarise all future goals and outcomes as comments here too.

Hooked - Why and How?

The initial trigger was exposure to pornography when I was a young boy when my elder brother left out what was [by today's standards] a very 'tame' magazine of females in various states of undress.
Curiousity won and a kind of secret, personal life unfolded. A boy in the first year of my high school later told me about masturbation and it followed from there. The two went together and I was 'on the hook' and it felt good.

When I was old enough to go out to earn a living, I bought my first magazines - 'girly' magazines mostly and I recall that I could hardly wait to get a mag home and open it. That was a lifetime ago.

The urge to view pornography left me when I met my wife and resurfaced some years later when digital TV first arrived - now the images that had been static were moving and the senses were being stirred again.

A year or so later and I found myself subscribing to a digital TV porn channel. The Internet would soon replace that source as it was more secretive and there was more of it.

Affirmation #2 - What Is Today?

Today is the first day of the rest of my life - liberated from porn.

I Gain Nothing But A Momentary High - I Lose My Self Respect And I Stand To Lose Much More.

Where does my self respect go when I set about viewing pornography? I feel I have none. I feel that my mind vacates my body in this pursuit.

Oh yes - I kid myself at first with all kinds of justifications such as thinking that I would be spicing up my marital sex life and, of course, I'd start with some innocuous search. But one thing leads to another. That's the trouble with the Internet - that's why it's called the web.

Then one hour would be spent after another, mindlessly watching - almost zombie like - trying to get that forever elusive initial 'high'. Yes, it's as addictive as any drug - in fact when our sex drive is engaged, chemicals are released within us.

In the process of pursuing this activity, I give up my self respect entirely.
In the process of pursuing this activity, I become selfish for I am sacrificing precious time with my wife which in turn is jeopardising our relationship.
In the process of pursuing this activity, I become tired and irritable, putting further strains on home and work relationships.

Am I really prepared to live the rest of my life like that? No - I'm taking a final stand and setting about beating this.

I want my life back and I'm resolved to start today.

Affirmation #1 - Why Should I Let Something Outside Me Control My Life? The Fight Back Starts Today

How many times have I tried to beat this and failed? How many times have I rededicated my life to some higher cause only to come crashing down? I've lost count.

What's different this time?

It's different because I sensed the addiction had become stronger - especially during the past few months.

This time I'm chronicling the journey and hopefully the thoughts and feelings that I write about and recount will motivate and give me back self-belief and self respect. As well as for me, I want to do it for the countless other souls out there who have gone through the same thing.

Why should I let something that is outside me, control my life?

The fight back starts today.